I went to sleep at 10.30pm. At 2.00am, I woke suddenly. Ya Allah, breast engorged. So full and it hurt sangat. Clever me not to bring any breastpump. I tried not to focus on it.. tried to get back to sleep.

At 3.30am, again I woke, but this time around I felt like immense period pain. Sakit sangat perut ni and when I went to toilet peeing, lump of blood coming out from my vaginal. I guess the chemo really done its job. The room was so cold I’m shivering inside – takut kena bentan jer.. I went back to sleep with bended body, pain in the stomach and breast engorgement.

I tried hard to sleep. Everything seems suddenly to linger in my mind..

I remembered my conversation with one office clique in the surau.
L: Lama tak nampak ko?
Me: Aku cuti hari tu.
L: So, how’s your pregnancy? Dah bape bulan ek?
Me: Tak jadila.. Gugur.. but bukan baby pun.. false pregnancy.
L: False pregnancy?
Me: Yup, aku dapat molar.
L: Molar? Molar Pregnancy? Kau….. (becoming so shocked.. and her faced change immediately).. Best friend aku died because molar pregnancy tau. Dia dapat molar when her first pregnancy 4 years ago, then go treatment chemo semua and Dr cakap dah recover. She tried TTC and when conceived second time dia gugur.. then terus tak de anak. Dia meninggal early this year sebab sudden blood clog in brain, which been confirmed by the Dr due to her previous molar pregnancy tu… (suddenly cried)
Me: Insya Allah aku ok. My Beta-HCG result dah turun pun.
L: Ko jaga diri ko baik-baik tau. Allah memang uji orang yang baik-baik macam ko, macam dia pun baik jer..
Me: (Just smile)..

Erm, baik..
To be frank, aku rasa aku tak la baik sangat (but not to the extend jahat la)..
manusia biasa sering buat kesilapan. Alhamdullillah, solat tu tak de tinggal, but yet, tak la terus solat time azan berkumandang.. selalu delay gk (bende dunia jugak yang di-prioritized.. huh).. dan kekadang selalu juga mencuri masa kerja untuk kerja-kerja lain – OUM, swimming during lunch hour selalu drag till 2.30pm, gi bank, Alamanda and such.

As directly with Allah SWT pun aku ada banyak dosa. Tudung pun start pakai at 2003, Al-Quran pun setakat baca Yassin je dan erm, banyak lagi la kalo nak dilistdown….

Deep down inside, aku syukur aku sakit sebenarnya. Terasa Allah sayang kat aku- kafarah dosa-dosa lama, insya Allah.

And you Mole, I’ll fight. I’m all arm. Raining season has long ended. Demi untuk membaiki hubungan aku dengan Allah SWT, aku akan fight.. I won’t let you taking charge on me.. Not till Allah decide..