6:36 PM

I've recoved.. Alhamdulillah. Hopefully ia tidak kembali semula..

I would like to thanks all my followers, people who read this blog and to those who pray for my wellness. Terima kasih yang tak terhingga.

I'm closing this blog officially (i hope not to open it back).. so, dear gentle reader, please tune to LUVTALE for other story of me.. :-)

Till now, byebye then...

Chemo cycle six : Start 8th April 2009, schedule to be end on 17th April 2009.

The whole thing mengujakan. Can't hardly wait. :-)

Start 23 March.. most probably will be end on 1 April 2009.

Beta HCG level - wk 16: less than 2 (normal)

This thing really work.. yeay!

4:19 PM

I'm done with chemo chapter 4.

My beta HCG update:
Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- Start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322 … cycle 1
wk 8: 291 … cycle 1
wk 9: 231 … cycle 2
wk 10: 90 … cycle 2
wk 11: 246 … cycle 3
wk 12: 351 … cycle 3
wk 13: 4 … cycle 4
wk 14: less than 2 … cycle 4
wk 15: less than 2… cycle 4

Alhamdullillah, my beta-HCG has drop to normal level - that is below 2 for non-pregnant lady.

But, yang tak best nye, even beta-HCG dah drop to normal, I still have to complete my chemo course that would up til 6 cycle. I just finished 4, another 2 to go : bile dah baik ni (sort of dah baik la), macam malas je nak buat chemo.. argh... 2 cycle = 20 days = 10 days to be pricked.
Sigh.. sigh...

.. since I last updating this blog.
Bukan tak de cerita, banyak sangat cerita but each time I log on to this site – I’ll be feeling very sad. Rasa nak marah jer. So, I opt not to look at this blog and concentrate with the other blog (yang banyak cerita-cerita happy).. heheheh..

First, I’m still on my chemo treatment – now dah masuk cycle 4.
Banyak cerita berlaku on cycle 3 – which sometimes make me feel to giving-up with this chemo course.

Lets start with the beta HCG results:
Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- Start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322 … cycle 1
wk 8: 291 … cycle 1
wk 9: 231 … cycle 2
wk 10: 90 … cycle 2
wk 11: 246 ---- Increased … cycle 3
wk 12: 351 ---- Increased … cycle 3

As u can see, my level increased during my third chemo cycle. Dr assumed that my body might develop resistance to MTX+FA drug regime. And they suggested to change my chemo regiment to higher dose : MTX + ActinoD + FA for the next chemo course.

My responds – of course, I was mad and a bit confused. To clear my thought, I started to dig lot of journals regarding the chemotherapy regiment for GTD and the GTD itself. Found out that 5% of patients that undergo the MTX-FA will start to develop resistant towards the drugs. Argh… (again I considered myself as lucky-one to be in the statistical data)

As for the MTX+Actino-D+FA chemo regime, what will I face is that I’m going do chemo for the straight 10 days:
Day 1,3,5,7,9 – MTX
Day 2,4,6,8,10 – Actino-D + FA
Meaning I’ll have to go to the hospital everyday (fuel and time consuming) and I’ll be pricked everyday as well (sakit duhhh…).

So, since I’ve been reading lot of journals, I noticed that there is other method for those who develop resistant to MTX+FA that been practiced in the Europe country and even in Singapore.
The regime is EMA: Etoposide+MTX+Actino-D for only 2 consecutive days:
Day 1: Actino-D + Etoposide + MTX (for 12 hr)
Day 2: Actino-D + Etoposide + FA
The different is EMA is really high dose of drugs (12 hr of MTX), which I might losing my hair fast enuff.

After talking to the Dr, giving A-Z reasons, I opt for EMA – I don’t want to be pricked everyday, I don’t fell like going to the hospital everyday, and I don’t care being bald (I’m wearing tudung, who will notice it anyway).

Before starting the 4 cycle (EMA-regiment), they took my blood for reading the beta-HCG level. To my surprise (the Dr as well) my result shows 4 - Not 400, not 40 but 4. And the parameter for normal people should be below 2. Alhamdullillah, I can help but to cry. Alhamdullillah, terima kasih Allah swt.

So, here I’m, still on my 4th-cycle of chemo treatment but with the same regiment: MTX+FA.

Dr said that if by end of the cycle, if my beta-HCG show less that 2, I might only need another one cycle to complete my chemo course, and then they’ll just monitor my Beta-HCG weekly or monthly.

I can’t say more: I’m not in charge of anything. Allah swt yang berkuasa.
But I’ll pray for the best. Amin…

Dear gentle reader,

I’m sorry for being grumpier on the last two entries. It was not me who wrote it – it’s the ‘tumor’.. heheheh.. And I was like sorry to myself – more on shame actually – for writing such craps.

I know, somewhere, somehow, out there, there would be a cmp/pmp patient reading my blog and she’ll be like – What happen to her? Does the chemo hurt so bad she suddenly change to a cranky mama?

Yes, the chemo and the whole process do hurt – physically and mentally. I’ve been crying for the last two weeks – merintih dan meratap – in the toilet, while talking to DH, while talking to friends on phone, with the nurse in PPUM, and to God especially.

However, I am feeling a lot better now. Health wise, I definitely have more energy. Emotionally, I think I'm doing better, too. I finally have been feeling less angry and more sad – even admitting that I experienced a loss (the loss of hope for a baby). That was something I never thought would happen. I’ve admit that I am hurt, maybe the hurt can have a chance to heal.

This whole thing has taught me that I am definitely not in control. Setting plans is not always the wisest and making finite decisions is a bit ridiculous. Let God sort this mess out for me. If God wants another little one running around our house, who am I to stop Him? I'm ignoring my "plans" list. I don't plan on doing anything. I can't plan anything until the year ends. I am going to change it to a wish list instead:

I hope my numbers hit 0... and fast.
I hope that somehow, this will end up okay.
I don't want anymore sadness.
I don't want to have another tumor.
I want another baby.

I've been putting off asking about my numbers because I didn't want to know. My HCG levels are something that can tell me if I am on the road to recovery or heading into another dark time, and I was not feeling up for more disappointment.
I thought I might as well face the numbers.
So here we go.

Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322
wk 8: 291
wk 9: 231
I just got a test today, but won't get the results until later.

Wow, 9 weeks already past.
It’s like walking in a very long dark tunnel – searching for the end of light.
Will there be any?
Insya Allah.

6:51 PM

Aku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku
Aku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
Sepi... Sepi dan sendiri aku benci.
Aku ingin bingar. Aku mau di pasar.

Bosan aku dengan penat,
dan enyah saja kau, pekat!

Seperti berjelaga jika aku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh

Ahh.. ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang
di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Biar terderah,
atau... aku harus lari ke hutan belok ke pantai?

Bosan aku dengan penat,
dan enyah saja kau, pekat.. seperti berjelaga jika ku sendiri..


Hari ini adalah hari terakhir sesi kedua chemo..
Aku penat.. aku ingin semua ini over.. aku menjadi tidak sabar..
Aduhhh, Tuhan... besar- sangat besar dugaan ini...

Third session will be start in a week..
Aku bosan + mual + jelak + benci + jemu..
Tapi aku ingin sembuh..

*bertahan.. bertahan.. dan kekal bertahan*
-boleh kah.............????

Allah swt, aku perlukan kekuatan itu.. amin....

Exhausted. Angry. Mad.
As written previously, I’m on my second cycle of my chemo treatment. Everything’s ok – just like the first chemo – what I felt and what I’m going tru.

However, yesterday was the worst day of my chemo process. 5 times being needle – just because the Dr cannot (or can be said as not good enuff) to find my vein. Sakit, memang sakit – He pricked me 4 times which later on I requested for a different Dr.

While waiting for other Dr, i cried - like a baby. Saat tu rasa nak lari je balik rumah and never turn up to that hospital again. I really felt like berputus asa. ;(

And Alhamdullillah, a female Muslim Dr came. Not being religious racist but I preferred Muslim as he/she will recite ‘Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani’ before perforate tru my vein.

Moan. Moan. Moan. I can't imagine going through this 2, 3, 4 or 5 more times. I can't think about that right now.
Sad, sad post. Will feel better tomorrow I'm sure.

Bruises here and there...


Oh! I'm almost forgot to write. My levels have dropped! 297.
Alhamdullilah. That’s 15025 down.
Great news! Despite of all, I'm so grateful that this is working.

Will be starting tomorrow onwards..
And will be end by 20th January (insya Allah)..

Esok jugak another beta-hcg monitoring..
Hopefully levelnya turun.

1st chemo session: started on 26th December, ended on 3rd January

What did I feel:
During chemo: Nothing, just feeling cool because the drug is cool.
After chemo: Dry mouth, dry eyes, hungry but yet bloated, constipated with hard stool.

And I gained weight – 2kg. aiseh..

On the first day of my chemo treatment, I had an immense period pain and I bleed lump of bloods (both red and brown). Then on the last day of chemo, I also encounter the same condition, immense period pain with black blood bled.

Bleeding made me worried because it indicated two possible condition:
1. it signaled that you would have a big drop in beta-hcg hormone levels because the mole tissue was dying (good sign), or
2. the mole tissue was continuing to grow and proliferate (bad sign).

My second treatment will start on 12 January. So, for the time being, just lepak-lepak kat umah..

kerana esok adalah:

- hari terakhir bagi sesi chemo yang pertama - then rehat seminggu - proceed second session

- lepas chemo, plan nak balik Ipoh - and meeting Zahra

Yeehaaa... *suka sambil melompat-lompat*

1:05 PM

This is my graph.
Still on going chemo (part One) - level still high. dugh..

My last day for chemo (part One) will be tomorrow - 3 Jan 2008.

If the graft shows constant level / no drop meaning another round heading on the way.

Looking forward actually.
Chai yok.. Chai yok..