Dear gentle reader,

I’m sorry for being grumpier on the last two entries. It was not me who wrote it – it’s the ‘tumor’.. heheheh.. And I was like sorry to myself – more on shame actually – for writing such craps.

I know, somewhere, somehow, out there, there would be a cmp/pmp patient reading my blog and she’ll be like – What happen to her? Does the chemo hurt so bad she suddenly change to a cranky mama?

Yes, the chemo and the whole process do hurt – physically and mentally. I’ve been crying for the last two weeks – merintih dan meratap – in the toilet, while talking to DH, while talking to friends on phone, with the nurse in PPUM, and to God especially.

However, I am feeling a lot better now. Health wise, I definitely have more energy. Emotionally, I think I'm doing better, too. I finally have been feeling less angry and more sad – even admitting that I experienced a loss (the loss of hope for a baby). That was something I never thought would happen. I’ve admit that I am hurt, maybe the hurt can have a chance to heal.

This whole thing has taught me that I am definitely not in control. Setting plans is not always the wisest and making finite decisions is a bit ridiculous. Let God sort this mess out for me. If God wants another little one running around our house, who am I to stop Him? I'm ignoring my "plans" list. I don't plan on doing anything. I can't plan anything until the year ends. I am going to change it to a wish list instead:

I hope my numbers hit 0... and fast.
I hope that somehow, this will end up okay.
I don't want anymore sadness.
I don't want to have another tumor.
I want another baby.

I've been putting off asking about my numbers because I didn't want to know. My HCG levels are something that can tell me if I am on the road to recovery or heading into another dark time, and I was not feeling up for more disappointment.
I thought I might as well face the numbers.
So here we go.

Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322
wk 8: 291
wk 9: 231
I just got a test today, but won't get the results until later.

Wow, 9 weeks already past.
It’s like walking in a very long dark tunnel – searching for the end of light.
Will there be any?
Insya Allah.

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