We've been blessed to have another baby. Thank you Allah swt, for the gift from heaven..

My post-molar baby

I've recoved.. Alhamdulillah. Hopefully ia tidak kembali semula..

I would like to thanks all my followers, people who read this blog and to those who pray for my wellness. Terima kasih yang tak terhingga.

I'm closing this blog officially (i hope not to open it back).. so, dear gentle reader, please tune to LUVTALE for other story of me.. :-)

Till now, byebye then...

Chemo cycle six : Start 8th April 2009, schedule to be end on 17th April 2009.

The whole thing mengujakan. Can't hardly wait. :-)

Start 23 March.. most probably will be end on 1 April 2009.

Alhamdullillah..
Beta HCG level - wk 16: less than 2 (normal)

This thing really work.. yeay!

I'm done with chemo chapter 4.

My beta HCG update:
Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- Start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322 … cycle 1
wk 8: 291 … cycle 1
wk 9: 231 … cycle 2
wk 10: 90 … cycle 2
wk 11: 246 … cycle 3
wk 12: 351 … cycle 3
wk 13: 4 … cycle 4
wk 14: less than 2 … cycle 4
wk 15: less than 2… cycle 4


Alhamdullillah, my beta-HCG has drop to normal level - that is below 2 for non-pregnant lady.

But, yang tak best nye, even beta-HCG dah drop to normal, I still have to complete my chemo course that would up til 6 cycle. I just finished 4, another 2 to go : bile dah baik ni (sort of dah baik la), macam malas je nak buat chemo.. argh... 2 cycle = 20 days = 10 days to be pricked.
Sigh.. sigh...

.. since I last updating this blog.
Bukan tak de cerita, banyak sangat cerita but each time I log on to this site – I’ll be feeling very sad. Rasa nak marah jer. So, I opt not to look at this blog and concentrate with the other blog (yang banyak cerita-cerita happy).. heheheh..

First, I’m still on my chemo treatment – now dah masuk cycle 4.
Banyak cerita berlaku on cycle 3 – which sometimes make me feel to giving-up with this chemo course.

Lets start with the beta HCG results:
Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- Start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322 … cycle 1
wk 8: 291 … cycle 1
wk 9: 231 … cycle 2
wk 10: 90 … cycle 2
wk 11: 246 ---- Increased … cycle 3
wk 12: 351 ---- Increased … cycle 3

As u can see, my level increased during my third chemo cycle. Dr assumed that my body might develop resistance to MTX+FA drug regime. And they suggested to change my chemo regiment to higher dose : MTX + ActinoD + FA for the next chemo course.

My responds – of course, I was mad and a bit confused. To clear my thought, I started to dig lot of journals regarding the chemotherapy regiment for GTD and the GTD itself. Found out that 5% of patients that undergo the MTX-FA will start to develop resistant towards the drugs. Argh… (again I considered myself as lucky-one to be in the statistical data)

As for the MTX+Actino-D+FA chemo regime, what will I face is that I’m going do chemo for the straight 10 days:
Day 1,3,5,7,9 – MTX
Day 2,4,6,8,10 – Actino-D + FA
Meaning I’ll have to go to the hospital everyday (fuel and time consuming) and I’ll be pricked everyday as well (sakit duhhh…).

So, since I’ve been reading lot of journals, I noticed that there is other method for those who develop resistant to MTX+FA that been practiced in the Europe country and even in Singapore.
The regime is EMA: Etoposide+MTX+Actino-D for only 2 consecutive days:
Day 1: Actino-D + Etoposide + MTX (for 12 hr)
Day 2: Actino-D + Etoposide + FA
The different is EMA is really high dose of drugs (12 hr of MTX), which I might losing my hair fast enuff.

After talking to the Dr, giving A-Z reasons, I opt for EMA – I don’t want to be pricked everyday, I don’t fell like going to the hospital everyday, and I don’t care being bald (I’m wearing tudung, who will notice it anyway).

Before starting the 4 cycle (EMA-regiment), they took my blood for reading the beta-HCG level. To my surprise (the Dr as well) my result shows 4 - Not 400, not 40 but 4. And the parameter for normal people should be below 2. Alhamdullillah, I can help but to cry. Alhamdullillah, terima kasih Allah swt.

So, here I’m, still on my 4th-cycle of chemo treatment but with the same regiment: MTX+FA.

Dr said that if by end of the cycle, if my beta-HCG show less that 2, I might only need another one cycle to complete my chemo course, and then they’ll just monitor my Beta-HCG weekly or monthly.

I can’t say more: I’m not in charge of anything. Allah swt yang berkuasa.
But I’ll pray for the best. Amin…

Dear gentle reader,

I’m sorry for being grumpier on the last two entries. It was not me who wrote it – it’s the ‘tumor’.. heheheh.. And I was like sorry to myself – more on shame actually – for writing such craps.

I know, somewhere, somehow, out there, there would be a cmp/pmp patient reading my blog and she’ll be like – What happen to her? Does the chemo hurt so bad she suddenly change to a cranky mama?

Yes, the chemo and the whole process do hurt – physically and mentally. I’ve been crying for the last two weeks – merintih dan meratap – in the toilet, while talking to DH, while talking to friends on phone, with the nurse in PPUM, and to God especially.

However, I am feeling a lot better now. Health wise, I definitely have more energy. Emotionally, I think I'm doing better, too. I finally have been feeling less angry and more sad – even admitting that I experienced a loss (the loss of hope for a baby). That was something I never thought would happen. I’ve admit that I am hurt, maybe the hurt can have a chance to heal.

This whole thing has taught me that I am definitely not in control. Setting plans is not always the wisest and making finite decisions is a bit ridiculous. Let God sort this mess out for me. If God wants another little one running around our house, who am I to stop Him? I'm ignoring my "plans" list. I don't plan on doing anything. I can't plan anything until the year ends. I am going to change it to a wish list instead:

I hope my numbers hit 0... and fast.
I hope that somehow, this will end up okay.
I don't want anymore sadness.
I don't want to have another tumor.
I want another baby.

I've been putting off asking about my numbers because I didn't want to know. My HCG levels are something that can tell me if I am on the road to recovery or heading into another dark time, and I was not feeling up for more disappointment.
I thought I might as well face the numbers.
So here we go.

Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322
wk 8: 291
wk 9: 231
I just got a test today, but won't get the results until later.

Wow, 9 weeks already past.
It’s like walking in a very long dark tunnel – searching for the end of light.
Will there be any?
Insya Allah.