Dear gentle reader,

I’m sorry for being grumpier on the last two entries. It was not me who wrote it – it’s the ‘tumor’.. heheheh.. And I was like sorry to myself – more on shame actually – for writing such craps.

I know, somewhere, somehow, out there, there would be a cmp/pmp patient reading my blog and she’ll be like – What happen to her? Does the chemo hurt so bad she suddenly change to a cranky mama?

Yes, the chemo and the whole process do hurt – physically and mentally. I’ve been crying for the last two weeks – merintih dan meratap – in the toilet, while talking to DH, while talking to friends on phone, with the nurse in PPUM, and to God especially.

However, I am feeling a lot better now. Health wise, I definitely have more energy. Emotionally, I think I'm doing better, too. I finally have been feeling less angry and more sad – even admitting that I experienced a loss (the loss of hope for a baby). That was something I never thought would happen. I’ve admit that I am hurt, maybe the hurt can have a chance to heal.

This whole thing has taught me that I am definitely not in control. Setting plans is not always the wisest and making finite decisions is a bit ridiculous. Let God sort this mess out for me. If God wants another little one running around our house, who am I to stop Him? I'm ignoring my "plans" list. I don't plan on doing anything. I can't plan anything until the year ends. I am going to change it to a wish list instead:

I hope my numbers hit 0... and fast.
I hope that somehow, this will end up okay.
I don't want anymore sadness.
I don't want to have another tumor.
I want another baby.

I've been putting off asking about my numbers because I didn't want to know. My HCG levels are something that can tell me if I am on the road to recovery or heading into another dark time, and I was not feeling up for more disappointment.
I thought I might as well face the numbers.
So here we go.

Levels were at start: 779 539 (21 Nov 2008)
wk 1: 573108
wk 2: 5401
wk 3: 2793
wk 4: 7697
wk 5: 14 428
wk 6: 13470 ---- start with Mtx
wk 7: 15322
wk 8: 291
wk 9: 231
I just got a test today, but won't get the results until later.

Wow, 9 weeks already past.
It’s like walking in a very long dark tunnel – searching for the end of light.
Will there be any?
Insya Allah.

6:51 PM

Aku lari ke hutan, kemudian menyanyiku
Aku lari ke pantai, kemudian teriakku
Sepi... Sepi dan sendiri aku benci.
Aku ingin bingar. Aku mau di pasar.

Bosan aku dengan penat,
dan enyah saja kau, pekat!

Seperti berjelaga jika aku sendiri
Pecahkan saja gelasnya biar ramai
Biar mengaduh sampai gaduh

Ahh.. ada malaikat menyulam jaring laba-laba belang
di tembok keraton putih
Kenapa tak goyangkan saja loncengnya?
Biar terderah,
atau... aku harus lari ke hutan belok ke pantai?

Bosan aku dengan penat,
dan enyah saja kau, pekat.. seperti berjelaga jika ku sendiri..

----

Hari ini adalah hari terakhir sesi kedua chemo..
Aku penat.. aku ingin semua ini over.. aku menjadi tidak sabar..
Aduhhh, Tuhan... besar- sangat besar dugaan ini...

Third session will be start in a week..
Aku bosan + mual + jelak + benci + jemu..
Tapi aku ingin sembuh..

*bertahan.. bertahan.. dan kekal bertahan*
-boleh kah.............????

Allah swt, aku perlukan kekuatan itu.. amin....

Exhausted. Angry. Mad.
As written previously, I’m on my second cycle of my chemo treatment. Everything’s ok – just like the first chemo – what I felt and what I’m going tru.

However, yesterday was the worst day of my chemo process. 5 times being needle – just because the Dr cannot (or can be said as not good enuff) to find my vein. Sakit, memang sakit – He pricked me 4 times which later on I requested for a different Dr.

While waiting for other Dr, i cried - like a baby. Saat tu rasa nak lari je balik rumah and never turn up to that hospital again. I really felt like berputus asa. ;(

And Alhamdullillah, a female Muslim Dr came. Not being religious racist but I preferred Muslim as he/she will recite ‘Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Mengasihani’ before perforate tru my vein.

Moan. Moan. Moan. I can't imagine going through this 2, 3, 4 or 5 more times. I can't think about that right now.
Sad, sad post. Will feel better tomorrow I'm sure.

Bruises here and there...

---

Oh! I'm almost forgot to write. My levels have dropped! 297.
Alhamdullilah. That’s 15025 down.
Great news! Despite of all, I'm so grateful that this is working.

Will be starting tomorrow onwards..
And will be end by 20th January (insya Allah)..

Esok jugak another beta-hcg monitoring..
Hopefully levelnya turun.

1st chemo session: started on 26th December, ended on 3rd January

What did I feel:
During chemo: Nothing, just feeling cool because the drug is cool.
After chemo: Dry mouth, dry eyes, hungry but yet bloated, constipated with hard stool.

And I gained weight – 2kg. aiseh..

On the first day of my chemo treatment, I had an immense period pain and I bleed lump of bloods (both red and brown). Then on the last day of chemo, I also encounter the same condition, immense period pain with black blood bled.

Bleeding made me worried because it indicated two possible condition:
1. it signaled that you would have a big drop in beta-hcg hormone levels because the mole tissue was dying (good sign), or
2. the mole tissue was continuing to grow and proliferate (bad sign).

My second treatment will start on 12 January. So, for the time being, just lepak-lepak kat umah..

kerana esok adalah:

- hari terakhir bagi sesi chemo yang pertama - then rehat seminggu - proceed second session

- lepas chemo, plan nak balik Ipoh - and meeting Zahra

Yeehaaa... *suka sambil melompat-lompat*

1:05 PM



This is my graph.
Still on going chemo (part One) - level still high. dugh..

My last day for chemo (part One) will be tomorrow - 3 Jan 2008.

If the graft shows constant level / no drop meaning another round heading on the way.

Looking forward actually.
Chai yok.. Chai yok..

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